Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
