she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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