ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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