Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
