Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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