miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
