a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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