I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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