So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
