I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
