So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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