I molested 6 butterflies tonight
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
