yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Randomize
