if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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