dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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