her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
