I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
