your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
someone get that fucking seahorse.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
