he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
