i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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