Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
