Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
