my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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