i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
