If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
