I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
