the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
