She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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