At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize