if you like me you must not know who I am
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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