I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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