Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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