i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dignity is for republicans.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize