I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
