is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
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