She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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