3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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