My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
