So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Found your dick twin last night
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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