I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
