It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
