You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
