Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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