so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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