god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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