My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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