He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
