sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
