I hate your face
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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