now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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