Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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