Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
