There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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