I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize