I am full of burrito and curiosity
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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