i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
i think i just lost a toe
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
