Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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