Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
