She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
