the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
