So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
